lintninja

I am currently locked out of my bedroom. I was on the phone with a bill collector. I left the living room to go into the office and get the papers that I needed to deal with the collection agency. This was misinterpreted as having a secret conversation that was not to be overheard. He storms out and comes back a couple of hours later and won't answer my questions. Then tells me that I am trying to keep secrets from him and shuts himself in the bedroom!
Mostly, I am just really tired by all of this.

I give up. I can't do this. Four major meltdowns in three days. The last one because he misheard what I said and was waiting for me to go out on a walk with him. I explained that he had misheard me, but he could not let go of what he thought that I said. He has gone walkabout now.
I can't keep this up. He throws things when the slightest thing goes wrong. If he knocks something over, he picks it up an throws in across the room, even if I am in the line of fire. There is nothing that I can say or do to keep him from a meltdown. I am exhausted. Constantly living on my nerve endings ready to change direction and avoid a meltdown.
I am so, so tired.

This year needs to be fired, escorted out of the building and off the planet. Far too many horrible sad things happening in only the first month!
I am gonna whine a bit here- new insurance does not pay full amounts on my meds. All of them. SO right now, I can't afford some of them. Got a new bill from the hospital for Loren's stay there. Ouch! I have set up payments, but ouch again. Tax payment due. Other medical bill payments due. It goes on and on. Went through the tiny little cushion I managed to put away this last Holiday season. All gone go by! Feeling a bit overwhelmed and helpless.
But there are some positive things as well. We have a place to live, food to eat, and clothes to wear. All of which helps. Mr. Loren is doing so much better on the new meds. He still has dementia, and it is not pretty, but the psychosis is mostly in the background now. The temper is ever shorter, but I get that. The apartment looks more like an episode of Hoarders every day, but that is just gonna have to sort itself out slowly.
Anyway, life goes on. I try not to absorb much of the news. I have to try and protect myself as best I can. Mostly this means not watching the news and shutting down when the tantrums happen. I'm tired Boss. It will be easier when I get my mid month SSA money. I am getting alot more hits on my ETSY page this year. More orders too. However this is the dreaded three month slump after the Holidays. Also, people are scared.

I think that we almost have the dosage right. More coherent than the past few months. Not hearing the voices as much, and not biting my head off every two minutes. We are actually sleeping through the night. Cautiously hopeful.

The past couple of days have been very interesting. I have to keep adjusting to new normal. Then as soon as I do, it changes again. There have been long loud conversations with the people who live in the coats by the door and the ghosts of S and M hookers. Also, with some people that are alive as far as I know. I can't see or hear any of these people although, I have been told that at one point I did.
The conversations range from childhood anecdotes to political discussions. There are many and varied topics. Sometimes I am included in the conversation. Most often I am not.
There have been ghost cats and foxes on the bed with us. All sorts of things. Permission needs to be asked before clothes can be selected for the day. I am called to look at many things that may be bugs or who knows what.
We are mostly in a mild happy state, but it can change. What an interesting ride this is.

I made an art friend.

Yet another friend has been diagnosed with cancer. I have lost track of how many people have been diagnosed this year alone.
FUCK YOU CANCER!!!!

Computer crap yet, again! My whole art drive is currently hosed. Trying not to panic.

It is just hard right now. Everything. Well, the garden is not hard, and the birds outside, but almost everything else seems soooooo hard. With the pandemic restrictions easing( it's not over, you blockheads!), people are out and about spending money in person and not online. The past two months of online sales have been microscopic. Was saved in may, by a nice birthday present and an order from Sky. June had a lovely order from Ballyhoo. Nothing this month on that level. The last few orders online have been for $15 or under. I have a total of 11 orders for the month. It makes everything else so hard.
Can't afford the insurance payment, can't go and buy fruit and veggies, or some meds. Can't get the car fixed or get any of the many things that I need for the business. I am super grateful that the printer did NOT go tits up. That was a really good thing.
And the show I usually do this time of year completely snubbed me. So that's money that is usually coming in right about now. Anyway, feeling sorry for myself. It won't help. But there it is. Did do a research study for some money and will get a gift card next month for it. Just so frustrated right now!!!

Just found out that another of our favorite people here at the Hive died on Monday. Way too many people lately. I do not like.